Wait a minute. Where was I again? OK, right, I remember. That face is as sweet as Perugian chocolate. But chocolate is also dark and sinful with an undercurrent of bitterness. Are you just a harmless little dolce or something much, much worse?
Sure, the sexy librarian thing always works. Really well. But a Non-Blonde as the first femme on a Republican ticket? Is this what Lincoln preserved the Union for? This certainly raises the possibility of some bipartisan PUMA-ship
From Left: Lane, Eisen, Mendte, and Shuster
Let’s see if I’ve got this straight. Comely (but brunette, and therefore evil) anchoress Alycia Lane of Philadelphia’s CBS affiliate sends a few provocative snaps of her bikini-clad self to broadcasting colleague Rich Eisen in April 2007. Eisen wife, and also broadcasting colleague, Susie Shuster, sees the e-mails and replies herself, leaving claw-marks across the aforesaid Lane’s face. Envious and resentful CBS3 co-anchor Larry Mendte months before used a keystroke logger to gain access to Lane’s e-mail accounts, and coincidentally the entire exchange arrives by undisclosed fashion to Page Six. Lane’s previously rising stock takes a hit now that most Google searches with her name also return the phrase “Homewrecking Slut” in them.
So far so good. But not as good as when Lane takes the opportunity to smack a NYPD officer in the face in December 2007, while adding, for good measure, “I don’t give a fuck who you are! I am a reporter, you fucking dyke!”
That doesn’t help so much when contract renewal time comes around. The one-bite rule applies, so Lane exits and tears, recriminations, and lawsuits follow. The Feds serve a warrant on Mendte in March, and this week he pleads guilty to one felony count of unauthorized access to Lane’s e-mails, with sentencing to follow in November. There’s more flaming rubble on their resumes than in all of South Ossetia, but it is so worth it if you get to take down your nemesis. That way, everybody wins.
. . .
Well, almost everybody. Back in Chicago, former NBC5 reporter Amy Jacobson has her own pile of rubble to contend with, but without the compensating gratification of being able to destroy anyone else’s career. So far. But that’s what lawyers are for. And they laid waste to a few forests last month by filing suit against, well, everyone who has ever worked for CBS2 in Chicago, with the apparent exception of Larry Mendte. We’ll leave it to legal scholars to dissect the merits of the case, but perhaps a few broader conclusions can already be drawn from it. If you’re going to go interview a suspect in a missing persons case, it may be better not to do it in a halter-top bikini. Woodward and Bernstein did very little work in their swimwear. Neither did Edward R. Murrow. If you’re attired in such a fashion that you wouldn’t look out of place wearing tequila-shooter bandoliers and serving shots to frat boys at some dive on South Padre Island, you’re probably not going to win any Peabody Awards.
In fact, maybe everyone who works, or has worked, for any of the affiliates in Chicago might give some thought to keeping anything even remotely having to do with bikinis entirely separate from their work lives. At this rate we’re going to end up watching Ron Magers doing the 10 pm news in a Borat thong.
The Very Public Self-Destruction of Alycia Lane (Philadelphia Magazine)
Well, that makes it an official trend. Our analysis directorate will be revising its estimates and a decision about whether or not to elevate the BIPCON status will be forthcoming. For now, remain calm, remain vigilant, but do not panic. Panic is not warranted at this time.
I’ve heard of the Sports Illustrated curse. Is there a Daily Mail curse?
KIrilenko Out (USOpen.org)
Smashing Tsarinas: How beautiful Eastern Europeans are dominating women’s tennis (Daily Mail)
What the hell is going on here? It’s Tuesday. Of the first week. I barely even had a chance to enjoy my post-lunch siesta. Would it be easier for everyone if we just wrapped this thing up tomorrow or Thursday so you can get the whole Labor Day weekend off?
OK, at least on the plus side, you’ve got that healthy glow about you again, D. The summer’s not a total loss!
Hantuchova swept aside by big-serving Groenefeld (Reuters)
Treading a Thin Line (SMH)
Wasn’t expecting this. Still, everything considered, better than armed gunmen bursting into your house, tying up your family, and taking you for $300k. But not much.
Makarova Upsets No. 10 Seed Chakvetadze (USOpen.org)
Before we get to the ladies’ field proper, there’s one player who requires a little extra special attention, the Ur-Tennis Blonde of all tennis blondes, Ms. Anna Kournikova. While not actually playing in any tour events since, let’s see, 2002, she still has a certain hold on the public imagination. That would partly explain why earlier this summer there was a minor spot of unpleasantness when a recently retired American player more or less threatened to bring the chloroform and electrical tape when they played mixed doubles at a World Team Tennis exhibition earlier this summer. No hard feelings, though. I see you’re transitioning through some new career changes, Justin. Best of luck in your future endeavors!
Where Is She Now?: Anna Kournikova (Sports Illustrated)
Anna Kournikova, All Grown-up (Sports Illustrated)
No big rush heading back from St. Croix, Rielle. Get some rays, maybe do a little snorkeling, or just take some time for you. I’ve got a few calls to make.
John Edwards Calling Former Staffers Asking For Forgiveness (New York Daily News)
3 AM, huh Barry? I get you. Message received loud and clear. Real nice campaign you’ve got here, by the way. Be an awful shame if something happened to it.
Obama Text Message Coincidence? (Wall Street Journal)
